Keep Your Power

They say that relationships require compromise to work. That’s true.

…but they didn’t tell you what to compromise.

The kind of compromise that kills attraction happens long before a relationship ever begins. It happens when men compromise themselves to get laid.

How are guys compromising themselves? By telling themselves things like…

“She has a negative attitude, but that’s the trade-off for a girl this hot.”
“She has a drug problem, but she’s probably cool when she’s sober.”
“She’s a drama queen — but she’s sooo HOT!”
…and the list goes on.

It sounds like a great strategy: overlook her flaws so they don’t get in the way of you and her sleeping together. So you do, and suddenly the attraction is gone and you can’t figure out why.

“I did everything she asked. I changed myself for her. Why isn’t she attracted? What woman could possibly resist this offer?”

Why wouldn’t they want a guy who is an easy catch?

…Because quality is what you work for. People simply don’t place much value on what they don’t work for or get for free.

So how do you become a catch? It starts with defining yourself.

• Pick The Right Woman. Get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. Title the left side Must Have, and title the right side Turn Ons.

  Write down two Must Have qualities that any woman must have before you even consider dating her. (The more specific the better!)

  Do you only want to date models and actresses? Do you only want to date women who have healthy relationships? Then overlook dating any woman who doesn’t meet that criteria.

  Write down three Turn Ons that any woman has that you really find attractive, but it isn’t what makes or breaks the deal. For example, maybe you really like blonds, but a hot brunette still has a chance with you.

• Deal-breakers. Like when you wrote your preferences down, except on the left side write Deal-Breakers and on the right side write Pain in the Ass.

  Things that are a Pain in the Ass might annoy you somewhat, but they’re only minor inconveniences. If a woman does anything you wrote under Deal-Breakers, you have to walk away.

  I know, it seems crazy to start rejecting any woman who crosses a line, especially if she’s really attractive. You might even get laid if you let a few deal-breakers slide!

  …but the reality is that settling for mediocrity only gets you more mediocrity. Most guys who settle for relationships below their standards never advance until they come to the point of deciding to no longer accept the deal breakers.

  So all we’re doing here is taking a shortcut that is going to save you years of grief and put you on the path to finding the right girl. Skip all the hassle of dating drama queens and psychotics. Your ideal dating life only happens when you accept what’s good enough for you.

• When in doubt, say no. When you give this a try and start filtering out women, you might find that maybe you’re being too strict or too lenient.

  I’m a believer that it’s better to err on the side of too strict, rather than too lenient. With some practise you’ll learn when you’re over-reacting or under-reacting, but in the meantime, just say no when you feel like you might be compromising yourself.

Popularity: 86% [?]

Two minutes later you realize what you could have said and you’re kicking yourself because you know the moment is gone.

An hour before it happens, you think of what you want to say, but when the moment arrives your delivery of the words comes across as contrived and pretentious.

The words you’re holding back and the words you wish you’d said are all that stands between you and your authentic self.

Say it fucking now.

Say it now because for every decision you make, right or wrong, you are gaining experience.

Say it now because in ten days or ten years none of this will matter.

Say it now because authenticity isn’t about what you say or how you say it, but when you say it.

Say it fucking now.

Popularity: 100% [?]

A few minutes after smiling at each other across the room, I was sitting at her table. She asked me, “So what is this?”, pointing to the band’s logo on the hoodie I was wearing.

“Oh, that… They’re a band my friend is touring with. Actually, I’m not a fan at all, but I got this for free. Actually, I don’t even like it. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m wearing it, really.”

Suddenly I found myself reflecting back on the past couple years all in that moment. It’s been years since I stumbled upon this pickup community. I sometimes forget where I was, and how I got here.

When I moved out to Vancouver, sold everything I owned, said goodbye to my friends and lovers, it got easier for me to keep giving up everything.

As proficient as I’ve become in giving up, I recently decided to take it a step further. Why not give everything up? Not in some kind of Tibetan monk way (or maybe it is?), but I decided that if there was anything about my life that I wanted to change, why not give myself a clean slate to become whoever I want?

So I asked myself…

What if I had no attachments to anyone or anything?
How would things be different?
What would I do with my new freedom?
What would I say, do, act, wear?
Where would I hang out?
What will my purpose in life be?
Where will I live?

And so on…

What I realized when I was talking with this girl is that when we make radical transformations we go through a phase of being uncertain about who we are. We’ve shed our old skin, and that skin was all that we knew, so we’re still trying to come to terms with the person we’re becoming.

Right now, I’m working on being secure with the fact that I’m insecure in my own identity, and that’s my own issue. It’s all part of the process, and I’m becoming more aware all the time.

Now that I’ve gone through this, reinventing myself is something I will make a regular habit. Maybe once a month, maybe once a week, maybe everyday.

Popularity: 100% [?]

Ah, Valentines Day…

As far back as I can remember, I’ve never once had a girlfriend on Valentines Day. Maybe I’m just lucky.

Today is no exception. My roommate said to me, “So, I guess you’re going out tonight, huh?” I gave him a dumbfounded, blank stare. “…because it’s V-Day?”

“Oh… that. Nah.”

This is that day of the year when everyone who is single becomes painfully aware of how single they are. They see the flowers, the hearts, the happy couples on dates, the chocolates, and suddenly they rush out to the bars, they log on to the dating sites, they whip out their phones and start dialing, and they seek out anyone to fill that void of loneliness — if only for one day so they have the right to say, “I wasn’t alone on Valentines Day!”

That neediness is not really helping us, is it? The only people who seem to benefit from those gaping voids in ourselves are the chocolate stores, the flower shops, the jewelry stores, and everything else that people consume on this day.

Even when we manage to “get lucky” and land ourselves a new girlfriend to fill that void, it’s only covering up an issue that will keep coming up: we feel incomplete without a woman.

I’ve watched many of my friends go through life rebounding back and forth from relationships, and whenever they’re single they’re the most insecure and depressed people I’ve ever met. They can’t talk to girls the way they used to when they were in a relationship because all that extra confidence they got from having a girlfriend is gone. Until they get back into another relationship, they’re just a shadow of the people they’re capable of being.

The worst is when a guy gets out of a unhealthy relationship, then jumps right back in because the prospect of being single just isn’t as appealing as being in a relationship, even an unhealthy one.

So where do we go from being single? Should we start “slaying a few dragons to get to the princess”? That’s one way to go about it, but I prefer not to venture down battletoad lane just for the sake of not being single.

What I’d like to propose is going to make everyone of you “WTF!” right out loud, but if you are willing to take this leap it could bring you to a level of fulfillment and wholeness that will enrich every interaction you have: stay right where you are.

Before you close the browser and condemn me forever, hear me out:

When you learn to be happy being single, you won’t be going into a relationship looking for someone else to fill the void in your life (and typically that person is also incomplete and looking for you to cover up their misery). Instead, you’ll meet new people and be able to give out good energy instead of relying on others for it.

Maybe you can go running with the bulls, travel across the world, learn fencing or write a book. Work on yourself and take some time off to grow as a person.

If you rely on having a woman before you can grow as a person, the fate of your personal evolution lies in the hands of things outside your control. Take that control back. When you follow your purpose (and as David Deida says, “No woman should keep you from your purpose” (loosely paraphrased)), you’ll grow as a person and become more and more attractive.

Popularity: 96% [?]

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” ~ W. C. Fields

Sometimes we try something new, and when we don’t see immediate results we are quick to condemn and say, “Bah! This doesn’t work.”

Maybe it was that new diet you tried, and after a week your weight hadn’t changed so you gave up and said, “Bah! This diet doesn’t work.”

Maybe you read about a new pickup technique, but it didn’t get the results that you were promised so you threw your hands up and scowled, “Bah! This technique doesn’t work.”

Sure, some things are just a waste of time, and that’s just the way it is, but when it comes to pickup, it helps us to be thorough and experiment before we condemn.

Before you condemn, ask yourself the following questions:

• Did you stick to the plan? You’re out meeting women, putting this great new approach you’ve learnt to the test, and everything is going great. Suddenly, this urge to do things that old way pops up. “Maybe,” you think, “it will be different this time. I know the guru said not to do this, but I’m going to try anyways.” Naturally, everything falls apart, then you rush home to the online forums and post, “That guy’s technique doesn’t work!”

  If you want to get the most out of what a guru teaches, stick to the plan. First, get comfortable at doing things the way you’ve been taught to do them. After that you will be able to innovate and reach an even higher level.

• Are you committed to making this work? There are few techniques you can try and expect to work for you right off the bat. So, when you are out having a good time and experimenting with what you learn, hang in there until it works. Of course, if you try something thirty times and keep getting poor results, it is probably time to try a different approach.

  For any new general style of pickup, I’ve found that a good policy for experimenting is to commit to a 30-day trial where you follow that style, and only that style. Suspend all disbelief for that time, and if it doesn’t work by then, look into a different approach.

Remember: the experts that teach this stuff aren’t responsible for making this stuff work — it’s up to us. Some of it takes time, some of it works instantaneously, and sometimes we just have to move on and try something new.

Popularity: 93% [?]